cringing in the limelight

there is something sinister in basking the the glory and accolades that result at the successful completion of a trick or effect. the audience is giving me credit for something that i do not deserve. its all hogwash. i may have been instrumental in bringing about the final climax but to be honest i did not do what the audience gave me credit for which is yet another strange in a world that is strangeness epitomized.

i think that actors share the same queer experience just as we magicians do. if you ask yourself honestly, will you ever be able to figure out if you loved an actor because of his screen persona or because of his exceedingly good acting ability. sometimes i think we can never know the real answer ever ... we just convince ourselves that we do know it but its all a sham anyways.

like wise do you think the audiences applaud and celebrate what it is we actually do or what it is that they THINK we do ? obviously its the latter with most audiences but there are also those who admire the actual behind the scene work. i feel very guilty in accepting a prize that is not mine to have. however this is what has to be done for the professional magician otherwise he will end up on street and die in hunger. working professionals donot care care the ethics and logic of performing magic they got into it because they were stung by the bug but now they can't get out so they might as well exist. its hobbyists like me who flirt with sensibilities and reasoning behind magic and its practice. so everytime i perform a masterpiece the resounding thunder of the claps always result in guilt when i rethink. i feel like i have cheated them and most importantly myself. i hate to pretend to be somebody that i m not, i hate to act the part of a magician. i feel they are as phony as silicon breasts. i am spending more and more time trying to perfect my moves and being my own audience. i have stopped calling myself a magician, in fact i m not one.